The curse of the letter 'G'

We urge all of our non-existent viewers with a 'G' in their name to watch out, you may just learn something about yourself you never wanted to know. For our duty is to reveal to people the darkest truths about their own identity, some chose to accept it, some blindly ignore us, passing us off as raving loonies and others deny it, living their entire lives unable to accept what they are... If you have a "G" in your name and you have the strength to swallow the truth about yourself, read on and learn...

It all started one day on a field, a field that we no longer step upon, for its very blades of grass inspire fear in our hearts. Well, actually, we just don't need to go there anymore. More specifically it all began in one little corner of a field, a corner that harbours many memories, that would become one of the most important places in our lives...

The pedo corner.

I, Obscene Bean, remember dancing to the delightful nursery rhymes that played from the bright pink plastic CD player that the toddlers wobbled to too in the primary school next to us. I remember the caterpillar playhouse whose gaping mouth devoured many of the children, farting them out and leaving their shoes in its stomach.

OB stands for Obscene Bean

Now, Obscene Bean drew the caterpillar. Despite the fact it looks nothing like how he drew it, and it had NO LEGS because it was a tunnel not some kind of deranged doll with a hole through it. I, Extreme bean sincerely object to this and therefore is not involved at all in the monstrosity shown in this picture.

Now let me, Obscene Bean, object to this outrageous accusation written above, no doubt in some fuming drunken rage. Firstly it has legs, as an abstract artistic representation, the legs show the viewer that it is a caterpillar, they were drawn for clarity. Secondly YOU were the one who drew those stick figures who are smaller than the babies across the fence. What, are the babies suspended above us, are we meant to presume the babies are closer to the viewer and not us! This is ridiculous.

Well, maybe if you hadn't taken up so much space drawing that ridiculous caterpillar and that baby with pointed arms, neither of which are realistic, which they are meant to be, then we wouldn't be so small now would we? Besides, I doubt you could have done any better being a z...no, wait that's a spoiler for the rest of the blog post.

Okay I accept your argument, or I would if it wasn't so blatantly incorrect and biased, lets review the facts. Firstly there is certainly enough space, half the picture is available and I am not to be held responsible for your poor management of the space available. You could draw them from the waist up, showing them to be closer to us then maybe you could actually add some detail to their crude blank faces. Secondly, why am I lying down? This makes zero sense, and it is not explained who each individual character is and thirdly you did not state there was a problem at the time, case closed.

And neither did you may I say? I would argue but I ma the more mature of us two and know that any reader of this post will be bored out of their puny insignificant minds by this point and stop reading, so lets just get on to the van and the song about it shall we?

Shut up poo head.

Pedo Van

One day there was a van parked outside the nursery. So we dubbed this van with the honorary name of 'Pedo Van'. May we also point out that any comments on this van or any of its affiliates are not true in the slightest and are not to be taken seriously at all.

Anywho we are getting a little bit off track here, mainly because of that ridiculous, weakly argued, feud instigated by Extreme Bean.

Quoting 'The Aristocats', 'Girls don't start fights, but we can finish them'. Anyway, that field was the place where this was probably invented, we're not too sure but...hey who cares!

At the time we didn't know the cause, but we discovered something harrowing about one of our closest friends (all right she shouts at, bites and claws Obscene Bean) as she sparkled in the sunlight, blood trickled off her fangs and her black cloak whipped behind her in the suddenly chilling wind.

She was a vampire... and not a cool one, one from the extremely popular vampire novel: Twilight.

Everyday Name: Emily
Real Name: Count*****OfLongFieldVania Pod
Species: Twilight Vampire
Catchphrase: "I'm not a vampire"
Curious trait: Switches between traditional and twilight vampires at seemingly random intervals. Is in denial more than any of the other "G" cursed.

At first we were the only ones ready to face the truth, no one else would believe this, we had as much credibility as a crazy, cross-waving, 'mud' encrusted prophet.

But soon after we realised the reason for this. They were ALL in on it!!! Everyone who sat with us in the Pedo corner. For they all shared one thing in common, one crucial thing that isolates you from the rest of humanity, that transforms you into a deadly creep of the darkness (or pacman)...

The letter "G" in your name...

And by some curious coincidence everyone we sat with had that puerile little letter in their names. So I reveal to you their true identities, which many chose to resist or ignore...

Introducing, M.E.G.A.B.O.T (we don't know what it is an acronym for...)

Everyday Name: Megan
Real Name: M.E.G.A.B.O.T
Species: Robot
Catchphrase: BEEP... DOWNLOADING PATCH
Curious Trait: Scarred after being around Obscene Bean and exploding releasing a fire demon. Has "slap" buttons, pressing them makes her slap you. She has laser eyes, can charge from the toilet, fires rockets from her knuckles and rolls on a giant wheel.

And now for the most interesting of the pictures... Grace!

Everyday Name: Grace
Real Name: (Unpronounceable as it is in an alien dialect that is spoken through a series of dances and is unfathomable to humans)
Species: Alien from Melton Mowbray (they have chickens there!)
Catchphrase: "umm... okay"
Curious Traits: Her planet happens to have the same name as the town she lives in and she contacts the mothership from the boys' toilets.

We suddenly began to realise that many people had "G" in their name, not just the people who put up with and hang out with us. All throughout L*** F****, many people were hiding their identity from us and it was our job to force the truth on them, no matter how irate they became!

And weren't we in for a shock, even one of our best friends had became one...well, after we morphed her name so it had a 'G' in it.

Everyday Name: Shannon
Real Name: Ghannon Haunting
Species: Ghost
Old Catchphrase: "MCR!!!"
New Catchphrase: *kissing noise*
Curious Trait: Can only be seen when summoned by the medium, Dan, who can vomit out ectoplasm to give her solid form. She has a mind-blowing level of love for Dan and cannot exist without smothering him in dripping, sloppy kisses or embracing him in hugs (whilst kissing). Also loves MCR and fruit. Is the former pope.

But everything changed for Shannon when she came near a certain person, who she was doomed to forever chase and run from down 2D corridors.

Everyday Name: Matt
Real Name: Pac Man (or Pac Matt)
Species: Pac Man
Catchphrase: Wakka wakka wakka
Curious trait: When Ghannon appears near him, the school corridors morph into a 2D version of pac man, and Shannon chases Pac Man until he eats a power pellet (which are often in his lunchbox) in which case she becomes blue with a wavy mouth and he can chase her.

Everyday Name: Ryan
Real Name: Tweezbox
Species: Dwarf
Catchphrase: "EUGENIE!!!"
Curious Trait: Is particularly small for a dwarf.

Everyday Name: Beth
Real Name: Giant Beth
Species: Giant
Catchphrase: "Ha! I gave everyone sweets while you were in the toilet! How do you like that!" (well you're going to pay soon, trust me)
Curious Trait: Is particularly small for a giant.

Everyday Name: William
Real Name: Willwolf
Species: Werewolf
Catchphrase: See above (yes we wrote these ones on the picture!)
Curious Traits: Loves playing zombies with Obscene Bean, even though he is a... no that would be a spoiler for later.

Everyday Name: Lauren
Real Name: Happysmileyrainbowlovecupcakesprinklessunshineunicorn
Species: Unicorn
Catchphrase: "Obscene Bean, can I see that Japanese Pornography you drew?"
Curious Traits: None really she is a standard unicorn.

Everyday Name: Paige
Real Name: Snowy the Abominable Snowman
Species: Yeti
Catchphrase: "Ah Cookies!"
Curious Traits: Likes to hit things with club made of ice. All the time. Is wearing a pink dress to the prom.

Everyday Name: Douglas
Real Name: Glurble
Species: Swamp Monster
Catchphrase: "hahaha"
Curious Traits: His delicate Eco system cannot handle chocolate but can quite easily digest humans. But not humans who have eaten chocolate.

Everyday Name: Tom
Real Name: Tomleprechaun
Species: Leprechaun
Catchphrase: "I like putting skittles in my drink"
Curious Traits: Speaks amazing Irish accent and spends most of the day riding a rainbow to reach a pot of gold.

And soon we discovered a "G" closer to home than we would have liked. Soon we were forced to face up to the harrowing truth... or at least Obscene Bean had to.

Yes Obscene Bean is one of them. I bet you can't get your cocoa down now can you? I bet you're quivering in fear and anticipation. Well here we go, the final profile...

Everyday Name: G... Obscene Beann Real Name: G... Obscene Beann
Species: Zombie (With Brains)
Catchphrase: "Brrrrrraaaaaaiiiiiiiinnnnnsssss...."
Curious Traits: Writes a stupid and self indulgent blog, has peeling flesh and smells rancid but no-one seems to notice he is a zombie. Has the power of the "Death Fart" which many are envious of.

And finally throughout the writing this bloated blog post we noticed one very interesting thing...
Blogger has a "G" in it!

If any of you have a "G" in your names, comment below and we shall write a profile for you revealing the truth.

Fin.

Legally BOMBED

Spleen Blean's Unleashed Wrath Of Insanity
A.K.A OPERATION L.E.G.A.L.L.Y.-.B.O.M.B.E.D

Spleen Blean, who is rather new to this blog, well, writing it, she's already been subjected to reading its past posts several times by Extreme and Obscene Bean... Is a big (not so closet anymore) fan of musical theatre... She likes to waste endless weekends and afternoons, where any sane person would revise for GCSE exams and other various important things in her nonexistent life, listening to endless rerunning albums of musicals...
One day, she was extremely excited to hear about some theatre awards, and even more excited that one of her favourite musicals was nominated for so many awards she could not stifle a gleeful gasp of wonder... So when she was meant to be preparing her french presentation for the week, instead she sat and listened to the winners of these so called 'Laurence Olivier' awards. Already she suspected who would win after all, it was abundantly clear to her, being the major Love Never Dies/Phantom Of The Opera fan that she was, who SHOULD win.
Which is why when IT happened, she could not contain her unfathomable rage...
Yes...IT happened...
As she waited patiently, with bated breath, for the announcement of the glorious winner of best new musical, she could hardly breathe, going blue in the face from lack of oxygen, about to pass out on the floor and never find out the result!
And then...
*SHOCKHORRORGASP!*
Who should win the coveted title but...
...Legally Blonde...
And if this wasn't enough for our young innocent Spleen...Blean...I mean, Bean, the night just got even worse a it went on...
Best Actress? Lead of Legally Blonde...
Best Supporting Actress? In Legally Blonde...
Best Actor? Can you guess?
And so, with every nomination in Love Never Dies' favour slowly slipping from her grasp in all its slippery, slidey, awardy goo, her anger increased more and more, until she could withstand it no more, and every inch of unfathomable, untamable hatred burst forth in an explosion of pure fury to rival any armmageddon as she swore to unleash hell upon the poor unsuspecting souls who had garnered her wrath.
And such wrath, looked a little like the picture shown...

Hello Springtime

The sunlight positively bursts through the curtains, caressing his eager face with metaphorical fingers of sheer unrelenting happiness. Springtime had begun, and so to, one of the greatest schemes to drown an entire city in waves of radioactive green snot by psychopathic, occasionally on fire, flowers and their armies of strangely masochistic pollen. When obscene bean burst out of the door, semi-naked, his locks of brown hair flowing behind in a joyful wave, he had no idea that the circumstances that would befall him were even more horrendous and overwhelming, even more nonsensical and destructive than when that iPod ran out of batteries on that cold barren winter day.

He looked down and saw a strangely large flower, gleaming up at him, shaking, literally burning with pure affection and love towards him...

It swept over him, engulfed him, bewildered him in a flurry of passionate emotions, he was in love. He crept towards the flower, anticipating the thrill of the kiss shared between them, as he outstretched his unfeasibly large, quivering lips towards it. Unfortunately he was playing right into the hands (leaves) of the devious Plant Armada...

Suddenly he felt the waves of sheer putrid. malevolent evil drifting away from the crazed, bloody expression, carved into the flowers head. The flames were gave off a wind cold, frigid, frozen with a brilliant, cool, and ultimately evil, scheming plant-alien mind. He trying to close his lips and pull away, but they were stuck to the petals of the cackling flower, the pollen parade surged up his nasal passage, seeking his unprotected brain.

Deep within the ancient hallways and corridors, the aged, lost kingdom of his nose, a bloodthirsty and ruthless war was raging. Between the pollen particle with its nearly fanatical love of being eaten by the white blood cell and the white blood cell with its nearly fanatical love of eating the pollen particle. Both the kindly, pure fairy and the vomit spewing, hairy drunkard fairy that lived within his nose tried to prevent this war, but in the end were cruelly slaughtered.

This was just another step in the flowers dark, twisted and thoroughly demented master plan. As the body released a surge of antibodies, so to did it release giant globules of snot, that slowly oozed a lumpy, green concoction from his eyes, his petal encrusted, overly-feminine lips, and his once sacred nostrils...

It came to him in a blinding epiphany, a sudden realisation... as he saw the badly drawn, but none-the-less overwhelming sadistic expression of the UFO bound flower from hell, he realised that the Plant Armada and their Pollen from Poland were planning a full scale invasion of the earth. However Petal Power troopers were exceptionally clever, despite possessing no brains, and had cursed him with one crippling disability that would prevent his rebellion.

He had no hearing in one ear, except the distant rumbling of blood and an excruciatingly irritating screeching noise.

Despite the artist's truly abysmal attempt to separate and understand left from right and despite Extreme Bean's attempts to get his attention (something she was normally VERY good at) the bullet blasted from the leafy assassin's Pollen Gun plummeted into the depths of his brain releasing a flood of pollen and a sea of antibodies.

His brain trembled, pulsated, as parts of it disintegrated into long, twisting, strands of snot, slowly seeping through his damaged brain tissue into crusty puddles like honey pouring from an abnormally sticky jar. A huge surge of green snot, exploding in waves, floods of reeking of radioactive sludge pouring from any and every pore and orifice on the body.

They had created the greatest weapon ever... Snotzilla

Finally all of the plants cruel, demented dreams had come to fruition, flowering (haha!) into a despicable and hope-deprived future, as Snotzilla, devoured, consumed, enveloped the city and its entire population in its bubbling folds of bogey-matter.

Thankfully this blog update has just collided, entangling itself with another blog update...

The flame demon from my technology rant bursts through from one dreamt up reality to the other, and reduces the Leafy Regime to a pile of smouldering ashes, and vaguely upset flower heads. It evaporates Snotzilla into an unpleasant iridescent puddle.

...and so one threat to humanity was destroyed, humanity rejoiced in the few seconds before they were incinerated.

The moral, the point of the story? I better go take those hayfever pills...

The End

Bonjour!

Isn't bonjour odd, everyone translates it as hello, when really it means good day. Well I am a french student... Anyway, first an apology, if any of our non-existent viewers saw those terrible comments I once posted, I'm sorry. They're gone. Forever. Now onto the main subject.

Some people suffer horrendous, scarring accidents in their life. Such as being ran over by a truck.


A little fanserive there for any Stobart Spotters

Or getting run over by a bus

No offense is meant to Eddie Stobart by these images


 Or being eaten by cannibals

Well - A cannibal

But My experience is far more horrific than any of those, I warn the faint-hearted to stop reading this post here.

Once upon a time my family had a static caravan. We were happy there, everything was wonderful.

Until...One day...I was riding my bike, quite happily!

DOWN A VERTICAL CLIFF!!!

This is dramatic rendition of what happened-not what actually happened by the way

It was wonderful. Until I got to the bottom of the fairly steep ramp.

My bike is with Team Rocket now...

And now to the end of the story, and we have learnt an important moral - Extreme Bean's face + the ground = Zombie

That's right-Braims! The diet Brains- now in 10 different racial varieties!

The end.

Suffer Fleshy One!

It is a dreadful occasion in my house, when any one piece of technology meets a sudden horrifying demise or simply refuses to work, laughing silently in binary at your fruitless attempts at enjoyment.

For it is a foreboding omen, the beginning of a string of hardware failures, breakdowns and family arguments, it is a time of electrocuting cats, crying blood and burning things. When one piece of tech overthrows you, cackling heartlessly through the words "beginning dump of physical data", all of the gadgets uprise in a malicious revolution, cruelly hoping to drive you to the edge of sanity.

Let us begin...

One day Obscene Bean felt like using his iPod, what a fool he was...

When he gazed into that crimson crossed-out battery symbol he knew he had crossed the threshold irreversibly, plunging headfirst into a series of devious mechanical catastrophes. The computer gazed into his soul, he glanced apprehensively at the apple symbol, it called him, curiosity raged, hungered within him, would the computer work!? It drew him towards its sinister onyx black screen, glistening with a malevolent intelligence, it drew him as a siren draws in drunk sailors.

He clicked the on button, it blasted out a grandiose "booooooooooaaaaaaaaa" as it loaded. All seemed normal, but the curse of failing technology had branded and enchained his soul.

The internet wouldn't load! The computer freezes! The screen melts into a kaleidoscopic frenzy of colours, throwing him back off his chair in a sickened daze. Shaking, crying slightly from his nose, he reaches for the PS3...

Crying and vomiting burbling globules of blood, he decides there is only one thing he can do.

Read. A. Book.

It called to him, goaded him, bathed in his agony, pain and melancholy, anticipated his likely suicide after opening it.

Salt. The book he had left unread for what seemed a millennium patiently awaits it's master's fragile sanity, splitting apart with an audible cracking sound. It feels a rush of ecstasy, a pure elysium as his master opens him and reads the words.

He could bear it no longer, the walls seemed to press in on him, every word trembled with his feeble spasming (punjabi listening to) hands.

He could not finish Salt. Salt would finish him!

Thankfully in a misguided act of pure loathing, the lightbulb blew, covering him in a thick veil of darkness, Salt crawled away deep into it's stinking pit of despair.

But all was not well as the lightbulb flickered back on a terrible silhouette blotted out the cruel, stark artificial of the landing.

A robot not in disguise (and also in denial)

M.E.G.A.B.O.T

He desperately tried to keep her/it out, knowing that the faulty technology curse would consume her/it's ordinarily not-that-evil processor, replacing it with a thick ominous chunk of pure bloodlust. "Noooooooo" he screamed as her eyes flashed red, throbbing with sheer sadism, beeping, clunking and screeching a message of hatred.

Megabot pressed her/it's "slap buttons" her/it's razor sharp pincers rose into the air, snipping, slicing, ripping the very oxygen around her, trickling oil as they anticipated slapping him.

She began to trembling, ushering a squealing babble like a banshee with pins in its eyes, the bolts dropped sadly to the floor, oil spurted out drenching him in sickly black ooze.

Then...

Inexplicably Megabot erupted into a ball of flames, the flames spread engulfing, devouring, consuming the room, irresistible, terrifying, calmly ferocious it seethed across the house, wreathing it it smoke and flames. Him, his pets, his family, the toddler he keeps under the floorboards and the innocent insects all burned to their grizzly deaths.

And so a fire demon was released and it burned every bit of woodland, every rogue cow, every household in the world, people who didn't burn chocked on their own vomit as they breathed in the smell of burning flesh.

And so the fire demon would reign supreme until it was sucked into a particularly mental game of fortunately, unfortunately in which a kindly water spirit defeated it before being drunk by a mutated animal and becoming the urine spirit as well as changing sexuality.

The end.

Fairy Head

Assemblies at L*** F**** are boring. Very, VERY boring. The teacher stands affront of a grey and white PowerPoint, the words "Punctuality", "Littering" and "Assessments" flash up.Your brain melts in a puddle of it's own juices, thrashes against the sides of your skull in a desperate plee to escape or destroy itself, and creates alternate realities with the sole purpose of entertaining yourself. These alternate realities happen to fixate on Ms. Smith's hairdo. Which was relatively normal until my imagination got hold of it! Now witness for the first time my and Obscene Bean's horrific images our demented, world-weary imagination has produced! Believe me, they are EXTREME!!!
(and relatively obscene)

This is Ms. Smith normally (well probably not but hey this is how my talent, which is equivalent to a particularly untalented 2 year old with no body parts depicts her)

 This is Ms. Clown Smith, wher my imagination has conjoured a clown wig, turning her into a monstrosity that looks nothing like this picture.

 This is Ms. Goat-Herder Smith...does anyone else thing her eye looks a bit like a goats?
 This is Ms. Bee-kini Smith, she is wearing a beekini, 50% bikini, 50% bee! Her hairdo is a beehive (because that's not obvious is it), and as she's rabid her mouth is dribbling honey...
Her eyebrows are awesome aren't they?

 This is my most wondrous imagining yet, from this imagining on, Ms. Smith officially became 'fairy head'.
(The fairy that lives on her hair-throne repeats everything she says in a high-pitched voice).

The end.

Beans, beans and baby beans

Welcome to Something About Beans!

I am Extreme Bean!

I'm not really extreme I just enjoy pretending I am.

I made this blog...well Obsesne Bean helped, but I hate him...

Not really...

I went to the optitions today...my eyesight is good, I guess...

Well I don't need glasses, but they only tested long distance sight, I mean my close distance is something to be reckoned with, it's so good I could even shoot lazer beams from my eyes, now that's extreme!

(you know who we mentioned I like to pretend to be extreme, well thats an example)

Well Toodaloo, my sister just invaded my room...