Hello Springtime

The sunlight positively bursts through the curtains, caressing his eager face with metaphorical fingers of sheer unrelenting happiness. Springtime had begun, and so to, one of the greatest schemes to drown an entire city in waves of radioactive green snot by psychopathic, occasionally on fire, flowers and their armies of strangely masochistic pollen. When obscene bean burst out of the door, semi-naked, his locks of brown hair flowing behind in a joyful wave, he had no idea that the circumstances that would befall him were even more horrendous and overwhelming, even more nonsensical and destructive than when that iPod ran out of batteries on that cold barren winter day.

He looked down and saw a strangely large flower, gleaming up at him, shaking, literally burning with pure affection and love towards him...

It swept over him, engulfed him, bewildered him in a flurry of passionate emotions, he was in love. He crept towards the flower, anticipating the thrill of the kiss shared between them, as he outstretched his unfeasibly large, quivering lips towards it. Unfortunately he was playing right into the hands (leaves) of the devious Plant Armada...

Suddenly he felt the waves of sheer putrid. malevolent evil drifting away from the crazed, bloody expression, carved into the flowers head. The flames were gave off a wind cold, frigid, frozen with a brilliant, cool, and ultimately evil, scheming plant-alien mind. He trying to close his lips and pull away, but they were stuck to the petals of the cackling flower, the pollen parade surged up his nasal passage, seeking his unprotected brain.

Deep within the ancient hallways and corridors, the aged, lost kingdom of his nose, a bloodthirsty and ruthless war was raging. Between the pollen particle with its nearly fanatical love of being eaten by the white blood cell and the white blood cell with its nearly fanatical love of eating the pollen particle. Both the kindly, pure fairy and the vomit spewing, hairy drunkard fairy that lived within his nose tried to prevent this war, but in the end were cruelly slaughtered.

This was just another step in the flowers dark, twisted and thoroughly demented master plan. As the body released a surge of antibodies, so to did it release giant globules of snot, that slowly oozed a lumpy, green concoction from his eyes, his petal encrusted, overly-feminine lips, and his once sacred nostrils...

It came to him in a blinding epiphany, a sudden realisation... as he saw the badly drawn, but none-the-less overwhelming sadistic expression of the UFO bound flower from hell, he realised that the Plant Armada and their Pollen from Poland were planning a full scale invasion of the earth. However Petal Power troopers were exceptionally clever, despite possessing no brains, and had cursed him with one crippling disability that would prevent his rebellion.

He had no hearing in one ear, except the distant rumbling of blood and an excruciatingly irritating screeching noise.

Despite the artist's truly abysmal attempt to separate and understand left from right and despite Extreme Bean's attempts to get his attention (something she was normally VERY good at) the bullet blasted from the leafy assassin's Pollen Gun plummeted into the depths of his brain releasing a flood of pollen and a sea of antibodies.

His brain trembled, pulsated, as parts of it disintegrated into long, twisting, strands of snot, slowly seeping through his damaged brain tissue into crusty puddles like honey pouring from an abnormally sticky jar. A huge surge of green snot, exploding in waves, floods of reeking of radioactive sludge pouring from any and every pore and orifice on the body.

They had created the greatest weapon ever... Snotzilla

Finally all of the plants cruel, demented dreams had come to fruition, flowering (haha!) into a despicable and hope-deprived future, as Snotzilla, devoured, consumed, enveloped the city and its entire population in its bubbling folds of bogey-matter.

Thankfully this blog update has just collided, entangling itself with another blog update...

The flame demon from my technology rant bursts through from one dreamt up reality to the other, and reduces the Leafy Regime to a pile of smouldering ashes, and vaguely upset flower heads. It evaporates Snotzilla into an unpleasant iridescent puddle.

...and so one threat to humanity was destroyed, humanity rejoiced in the few seconds before they were incinerated.

The moral, the point of the story? I better go take those hayfever pills...

The End