The curse of the letter 'G'

We urge all of our non-existent viewers with a 'G' in their name to watch out, you may just learn something about yourself you never wanted to know. For our duty is to reveal to people the darkest truths about their own identity, some chose to accept it, some blindly ignore us, passing us off as raving loonies and others deny it, living their entire lives unable to accept what they are... If you have a "G" in your name and you have the strength to swallow the truth about yourself, read on and learn...

It all started one day on a field, a field that we no longer step upon, for its very blades of grass inspire fear in our hearts. Well, actually, we just don't need to go there anymore. More specifically it all began in one little corner of a field, a corner that harbours many memories, that would become one of the most important places in our lives...

The pedo corner.

I, Obscene Bean, remember dancing to the delightful nursery rhymes that played from the bright pink plastic CD player that the toddlers wobbled to too in the primary school next to us. I remember the caterpillar playhouse whose gaping mouth devoured many of the children, farting them out and leaving their shoes in its stomach.

OB stands for Obscene Bean

Now, Obscene Bean drew the caterpillar. Despite the fact it looks nothing like how he drew it, and it had NO LEGS because it was a tunnel not some kind of deranged doll with a hole through it. I, Extreme bean sincerely object to this and therefore is not involved at all in the monstrosity shown in this picture.

Now let me, Obscene Bean, object to this outrageous accusation written above, no doubt in some fuming drunken rage. Firstly it has legs, as an abstract artistic representation, the legs show the viewer that it is a caterpillar, they were drawn for clarity. Secondly YOU were the one who drew those stick figures who are smaller than the babies across the fence. What, are the babies suspended above us, are we meant to presume the babies are closer to the viewer and not us! This is ridiculous.

Well, maybe if you hadn't taken up so much space drawing that ridiculous caterpillar and that baby with pointed arms, neither of which are realistic, which they are meant to be, then we wouldn't be so small now would we? Besides, I doubt you could have done any better being a z...no, wait that's a spoiler for the rest of the blog post.

Okay I accept your argument, or I would if it wasn't so blatantly incorrect and biased, lets review the facts. Firstly there is certainly enough space, half the picture is available and I am not to be held responsible for your poor management of the space available. You could draw them from the waist up, showing them to be closer to us then maybe you could actually add some detail to their crude blank faces. Secondly, why am I lying down? This makes zero sense, and it is not explained who each individual character is and thirdly you did not state there was a problem at the time, case closed.

And neither did you may I say? I would argue but I ma the more mature of us two and know that any reader of this post will be bored out of their puny insignificant minds by this point and stop reading, so lets just get on to the van and the song about it shall we?

Shut up poo head.

Pedo Van

One day there was a van parked outside the nursery. So we dubbed this van with the honorary name of 'Pedo Van'. May we also point out that any comments on this van or any of its affiliates are not true in the slightest and are not to be taken seriously at all.

Anywho we are getting a little bit off track here, mainly because of that ridiculous, weakly argued, feud instigated by Extreme Bean.

Quoting 'The Aristocats', 'Girls don't start fights, but we can finish them'. Anyway, that field was the place where this was probably invented, we're not too sure but...hey who cares!

At the time we didn't know the cause, but we discovered something harrowing about one of our closest friends (all right she shouts at, bites and claws Obscene Bean) as she sparkled in the sunlight, blood trickled off her fangs and her black cloak whipped behind her in the suddenly chilling wind.

She was a vampire... and not a cool one, one from the extremely popular vampire novel: Twilight.

Everyday Name: Emily
Real Name: Count*****OfLongFieldVania Pod
Species: Twilight Vampire
Catchphrase: "I'm not a vampire"
Curious trait: Switches between traditional and twilight vampires at seemingly random intervals. Is in denial more than any of the other "G" cursed.

At first we were the only ones ready to face the truth, no one else would believe this, we had as much credibility as a crazy, cross-waving, 'mud' encrusted prophet.

But soon after we realised the reason for this. They were ALL in on it!!! Everyone who sat with us in the Pedo corner. For they all shared one thing in common, one crucial thing that isolates you from the rest of humanity, that transforms you into a deadly creep of the darkness (or pacman)...

The letter "G" in your name...

And by some curious coincidence everyone we sat with had that puerile little letter in their names. So I reveal to you their true identities, which many chose to resist or ignore...

Introducing, M.E.G.A.B.O.T (we don't know what it is an acronym for...)

Everyday Name: Megan
Real Name: M.E.G.A.B.O.T
Species: Robot
Catchphrase: BEEP... DOWNLOADING PATCH
Curious Trait: Scarred after being around Obscene Bean and exploding releasing a fire demon. Has "slap" buttons, pressing them makes her slap you. She has laser eyes, can charge from the toilet, fires rockets from her knuckles and rolls on a giant wheel.

And now for the most interesting of the pictures... Grace!

Everyday Name: Grace
Real Name: (Unpronounceable as it is in an alien dialect that is spoken through a series of dances and is unfathomable to humans)
Species: Alien from Melton Mowbray (they have chickens there!)
Catchphrase: "umm... okay"
Curious Traits: Her planet happens to have the same name as the town she lives in and she contacts the mothership from the boys' toilets.

We suddenly began to realise that many people had "G" in their name, not just the people who put up with and hang out with us. All throughout L*** F****, many people were hiding their identity from us and it was our job to force the truth on them, no matter how irate they became!

And weren't we in for a shock, even one of our best friends had became one...well, after we morphed her name so it had a 'G' in it.

Everyday Name: Shannon
Real Name: Ghannon Haunting
Species: Ghost
Old Catchphrase: "MCR!!!"
New Catchphrase: *kissing noise*
Curious Trait: Can only be seen when summoned by the medium, Dan, who can vomit out ectoplasm to give her solid form. She has a mind-blowing level of love for Dan and cannot exist without smothering him in dripping, sloppy kisses or embracing him in hugs (whilst kissing). Also loves MCR and fruit. Is the former pope.

But everything changed for Shannon when she came near a certain person, who she was doomed to forever chase and run from down 2D corridors.

Everyday Name: Matt
Real Name: Pac Man (or Pac Matt)
Species: Pac Man
Catchphrase: Wakka wakka wakka
Curious trait: When Ghannon appears near him, the school corridors morph into a 2D version of pac man, and Shannon chases Pac Man until he eats a power pellet (which are often in his lunchbox) in which case she becomes blue with a wavy mouth and he can chase her.

Everyday Name: Ryan
Real Name: Tweezbox
Species: Dwarf
Catchphrase: "EUGENIE!!!"
Curious Trait: Is particularly small for a dwarf.

Everyday Name: Beth
Real Name: Giant Beth
Species: Giant
Catchphrase: "Ha! I gave everyone sweets while you were in the toilet! How do you like that!" (well you're going to pay soon, trust me)
Curious Trait: Is particularly small for a giant.

Everyday Name: William
Real Name: Willwolf
Species: Werewolf
Catchphrase: See above (yes we wrote these ones on the picture!)
Curious Traits: Loves playing zombies with Obscene Bean, even though he is a... no that would be a spoiler for later.

Everyday Name: Lauren
Real Name: Happysmileyrainbowlovecupcakesprinklessunshineunicorn
Species: Unicorn
Catchphrase: "Obscene Bean, can I see that Japanese Pornography you drew?"
Curious Traits: None really she is a standard unicorn.

Everyday Name: Paige
Real Name: Snowy the Abominable Snowman
Species: Yeti
Catchphrase: "Ah Cookies!"
Curious Traits: Likes to hit things with club made of ice. All the time. Is wearing a pink dress to the prom.

Everyday Name: Douglas
Real Name: Glurble
Species: Swamp Monster
Catchphrase: "hahaha"
Curious Traits: His delicate Eco system cannot handle chocolate but can quite easily digest humans. But not humans who have eaten chocolate.

Everyday Name: Tom
Real Name: Tomleprechaun
Species: Leprechaun
Catchphrase: "I like putting skittles in my drink"
Curious Traits: Speaks amazing Irish accent and spends most of the day riding a rainbow to reach a pot of gold.

And soon we discovered a "G" closer to home than we would have liked. Soon we were forced to face up to the harrowing truth... or at least Obscene Bean had to.

Yes Obscene Bean is one of them. I bet you can't get your cocoa down now can you? I bet you're quivering in fear and anticipation. Well here we go, the final profile...

Everyday Name: G... Obscene Beann Real Name: G... Obscene Beann
Species: Zombie (With Brains)
Catchphrase: "Brrrrrraaaaaaiiiiiiiinnnnnsssss...."
Curious Traits: Writes a stupid and self indulgent blog, has peeling flesh and smells rancid but no-one seems to notice he is a zombie. Has the power of the "Death Fart" which many are envious of.

And finally throughout the writing this bloated blog post we noticed one very interesting thing...
Blogger has a "G" in it!

If any of you have a "G" in your names, comment below and we shall write a profile for you revealing the truth.

Fin.