Suffer Fleshy One!

It is a dreadful occasion in my house, when any one piece of technology meets a sudden horrifying demise or simply refuses to work, laughing silently in binary at your fruitless attempts at enjoyment.

For it is a foreboding omen, the beginning of a string of hardware failures, breakdowns and family arguments, it is a time of electrocuting cats, crying blood and burning things. When one piece of tech overthrows you, cackling heartlessly through the words "beginning dump of physical data", all of the gadgets uprise in a malicious revolution, cruelly hoping to drive you to the edge of sanity.

Let us begin...

One day Obscene Bean felt like using his iPod, what a fool he was...

When he gazed into that crimson crossed-out battery symbol he knew he had crossed the threshold irreversibly, plunging headfirst into a series of devious mechanical catastrophes. The computer gazed into his soul, he glanced apprehensively at the apple symbol, it called him, curiosity raged, hungered within him, would the computer work!? It drew him towards its sinister onyx black screen, glistening with a malevolent intelligence, it drew him as a siren draws in drunk sailors.

He clicked the on button, it blasted out a grandiose "booooooooooaaaaaaaaa" as it loaded. All seemed normal, but the curse of failing technology had branded and enchained his soul.

The internet wouldn't load! The computer freezes! The screen melts into a kaleidoscopic frenzy of colours, throwing him back off his chair in a sickened daze. Shaking, crying slightly from his nose, he reaches for the PS3...

Crying and vomiting burbling globules of blood, he decides there is only one thing he can do.

Read. A. Book.

It called to him, goaded him, bathed in his agony, pain and melancholy, anticipated his likely suicide after opening it.

Salt. The book he had left unread for what seemed a millennium patiently awaits it's master's fragile sanity, splitting apart with an audible cracking sound. It feels a rush of ecstasy, a pure elysium as his master opens him and reads the words.

He could bear it no longer, the walls seemed to press in on him, every word trembled with his feeble spasming (punjabi listening to) hands.

He could not finish Salt. Salt would finish him!

Thankfully in a misguided act of pure loathing, the lightbulb blew, covering him in a thick veil of darkness, Salt crawled away deep into it's stinking pit of despair.

But all was not well as the lightbulb flickered back on a terrible silhouette blotted out the cruel, stark artificial of the landing.

A robot not in disguise (and also in denial)

M.E.G.A.B.O.T

He desperately tried to keep her/it out, knowing that the faulty technology curse would consume her/it's ordinarily not-that-evil processor, replacing it with a thick ominous chunk of pure bloodlust. "Noooooooo" he screamed as her eyes flashed red, throbbing with sheer sadism, beeping, clunking and screeching a message of hatred.

Megabot pressed her/it's "slap buttons" her/it's razor sharp pincers rose into the air, snipping, slicing, ripping the very oxygen around her, trickling oil as they anticipated slapping him.

She began to trembling, ushering a squealing babble like a banshee with pins in its eyes, the bolts dropped sadly to the floor, oil spurted out drenching him in sickly black ooze.

Then...

Inexplicably Megabot erupted into a ball of flames, the flames spread engulfing, devouring, consuming the room, irresistible, terrifying, calmly ferocious it seethed across the house, wreathing it it smoke and flames. Him, his pets, his family, the toddler he keeps under the floorboards and the innocent insects all burned to their grizzly deaths.

And so a fire demon was released and it burned every bit of woodland, every rogue cow, every household in the world, people who didn't burn chocked on their own vomit as they breathed in the smell of burning flesh.

And so the fire demon would reign supreme until it was sucked into a particularly mental game of fortunately, unfortunately in which a kindly water spirit defeated it before being drunk by a mutated animal and becoming the urine spirit as well as changing sexuality.

The end.